A Game -Silent Hill Homecoming

Contains a bit Alex/Joshua.



I remember this rainy day. Completely.

Actually it was a pouring outside. We both had to stay inside, even if I promised him to go out to play. But the fall came a lot too early. My parents looked at me like I'd be responsible for this weather to disappoint my brother.
But I wasn't.
Honestly, he's the only family I've got. Neither of my parents were there for me like he was. Everytime, every minute. And now they even wanted to take him away from me. Only sometimes my mother showed a bit sympathy, but I couldn't accept it somehow.
I'm a stranger in this house.

So, I sat there, quietly on this chair and watched Joshua playing with some bouncy ball-thing. Seriously, he didn't look disappointed at all. Just bored. Though he was very quiet.

"Well, Josh..."

He caught the ball, raising his head. He looked at me with his blue eyes opened wide. Frankly, he stared at me. Somehow I drowned in his eyes.
After all, I can tell that he's the beloved one here. He's the one everyone loves. Actually, also me. I love him like everyone does. He's a real sunshine, somehow.
He has got me in his trap. But how? And why?
How does he do that? Why am I not the beloved one? So many years without a tenderly touch. Honestly, I don't even remember the last time when mom and dad just hugged me. But he gets embraced a lot. And then he stares at me. Like he'd laugh at me.
Is behind those blue naive eyes a fiend who laughs at me? Who points at me and shows me that he's the better one? Obviously, he's young, but he knows how to get in touch with people or to fascinate them.
I'm in his trap.
And I want to get out.

"Wanna play a game?"

Suddenly he smiled, stood up and got in front of me. Perfect.

"I'd love to, bro."

He still looked up to me.
Why does he do this?
I mean, he's the better one. He has to look down to me. I'm pretty sure that he'd love to.
For me his smile was now just blurred face.

"Okay, it's a game I just invented."

"You did? Sounds great!"

I grinned.
I got him.

"You just have to stay here calm and quietly. Okay? You must observe the rules."

"Sure."

He nodded, but he was confused cleary, because I didn't even tell him how this game would work.

Slowly I raised my hands. I wrapped them around his neck.
He, staring quietly at me, didn't even respond a word. His eyes... outstanding eyes...

I could kill him.
Now.
And then get out of this thing called "family".
I could hide him.
Somewhere.
And start somewhere else again.

Mom, Dad.
I'm sorry, for me you're just Lilian and Adam Somehow. I'm Alex. Alex Shepherd. And this is...my only family in front of me.
I don't care about Elle now.
All I see is him.
And he doesn't move.

After all, he isn't my family. He's not a brother for me. He's more. And I'm afraid of that. He's someone who brightens my day and takes care of me. He's the one responsible for my actions.
Joshua is... my place to run to, my shoulder to cry on, my life, my love. The only thing to live for.
What would happen if he disappeared? Because of my dirty hands? There must be a reason that my parents avoid me. Maybe they knew how I'd feel about my brother.

He still stared at me.
I noticed, that I've not even choked him. I just had my hands softly around his neck, responding his gaze.

He...trusts me.
No matter what I do.
He still trusts me.
I wanted to kill my own life.

And still he smiles at me, quietly and happily, 'cause his brother wants to play a great game with him.

I felt shame.
Or hate.
I hated myself.

My eyes got full of tears. I guess that this time was the first time I actually showed my true feelings.

Joshua did not understand. I mean, how could he? He didn't even realize that our parents were avoiding me, like a stranger.

"Alex", he whispered softly, getting on his toes, wrapping his arms around my neck.
Embracing me softly, like I've always longed for to be hugged by my parents. They never did. But Joshua did.

Well, he understood. He's a pretty clever boy, I already know that.

I heard him whispering, that everything's gonna be okay. Unfortunately, I knew it better.

I touched his arms, pressing him away.

It's not going to change at all. They'll hate me still, and I'll hate me for that I wanted to make you disappear, because I didn't understand.

Your gaze, when they embraced you, was it because you felt bad for me? I remember, you often asked to lay next to me the night after.

"Please, forgive me...", I stuttered.

"I dunno why, but ...I'd always forgive you, Alex." He looked to the side, having a little blush on his cheeks.

My eyes opened wide, smiling. Then I got closer.
So he didn't realize at all?
I'd take my chance now, to do something other forbidden. I'm sorry. But I can't help myself.

I touched my lips with his, noticed that he fought against it first, but replied then without any objection.

I'm so sorry, Joshua.
But I just can't help myself.
I'm helpless. And maybe useless.
But I know what to live for, so I'll be okay.
Thanks to you.